How the hell do you start this blog thing anyway?

So, first post on a brand new blog. How do you start off a blog anyway? A nice little intro including how old I am, where I live, what I like to do on weekends, a few “lols” and a spiel on how I’m into bands that haven’t sold out yet? Well, first, this aint effing myspace and that last bit would be a lie anyway – it’s my life’s mission to sell the fuck out ASAP (yes, I’m in a band – more on that later, maybe) and retire to a nice place in the country with exposed beams, a jam room (“jam” is a musical term, kids, meaning “to rehearse, write or play music in one’s house accompanied by beer”) and a huge yard for my eventual legion of dogs while I’m still young enough to enjoy Playstation marathons, a massive plasma screen, Dolby 7.1 and bucket bongs.

How about a rant against Bush? Yawn. I think we all know what a borderline-retarded born-again daddy’s boy Republican puppet Georgie is. I mean, how’s his form lately? “I gave up golf in solidarity with the families of all those soldiers I had killed in this war I sold to y’all like snake oil”. Thanks mate, ‘preciate it. You keep up with that mountain-biking and fishing and Stetson-wearing down on your hobby-ranch in Texas though – a bloke’s gotta keep in shape! Hey, has anyone else noticed George is the only Bush family member with a twangy Texas accent? Aw shoot – I promised no George-based rants! My mistake, very sorry, probably won’t happen again. Look, the last thing the interblurg needs is another blog based around tearing down the evil neo-con Republican power structure. Firstly, I’m Australian, so while I do care about what happens in the US (because it effects what happens here in a direct fashion, i.e. we tend to follow the states into just about every retarded fucking military adventure they go on) I can’t really have any say in or effect on US politics (shit, neither can the three or four Americans who actually vote). Secondly, the Republicans are doing fine dismantling themselves, along with the US economy and every diplomatic gain ever made in that country since WW2.

Well, how about a list? Everyone on the world wide wank loves a good list (including me)! Lists are awesome for reading at work: they’re basically a long article broken into many small articles. Great for reading a bit at a time, awesome for those like me with a criminally short attention span. They’re like a sushi roll cut into those lovely little bite-size slices: you can throw one down, atl+tab into some work for five minutes (or however long the boss is hovering around), grab another and continue munching at your leisure. Well, the trouble with a list is this: they’re great to read, but to actually put one together yourself you have to do some research – it’s sort of like work! You have to put in some effort to find “The 7 Finest Moments In Tele-mall Shopping” or “Twelve Reasons We’re All Quite Literally Doomed And Why You Should Ask Yourself What The Hell You Are Doing Reading Stupid Lists When You Should Be Bee-lining For Your Bunker”. You need to find (or make up) a bunch of shit, get some photos or video together, write it, proofread it (well, not everyone does that bit, but I do – in proper goddam non-US English too), make sure all the hyperlinks work & make sure it makes sense. Then, inevitably, come the retarded comments (provided people actually read your blog to begin with): “First LOL”; “OMG how culd u 4get [insert apparently stupidly-overlooked list item here]”; “STFU”; “oh hai dis funny list check out http//wwwblacksonblondescom” and other such joys. No, there shall be no list today! I shall not pander to people like me who need little blocks of text to read! There shall be entire, on-topic paragraphs and they shall contain only intentionally hilarious spelling or grammatical errors.

What about something simple: just a great big whine about whatever’s got my back up this morning? It’s usually something (I can be irritable in the antemeridian and I have large, numerous personal issues, let’s be honest – but more on that later): irate callers, whiny/gossipy/loud/feral co-workers, something a Pope/bishop/fundy halfwit said on some topic of which he has no actual practical knowledge (such as sex – with adult women), some booker at a venue taking forever to return a call and then trying to screw me over, some guy I’m having a SIWOTI moment with on a forum simply refusing to recognise my supreme rightitude, or maybe just the fact that the officially designated office radio station (which is normally a pretty inoffensive hits & memories station) loves to torture me by playing bloody Nickelback! Or Dexy’s Midnight Runners (whose song Come On Eileen which, while having obvious & hilarious double-entendre potential, is the most irritatingly pointed-stick-in-my-arse song ever in the history of the everything)!

Or, perhaps I won’t whinge at all for the first post. I know, I know, airing one’s grievances anonymously, vigorously and laden with profanity (“motherfucker!” woo! ha!) is a decade-old www tradition and a vicarious thrill for billions of people, but perhaps the people might like a post which deals with stuff that makes the writer happy for a change! I mean, I’m inspired and uplifted by many things: good wine, a great sunset, a brilliant guitar solo, tasty jazz, my mother’s cooking, a laugh with my wife that’s so big it actually hurts and we both want to stop but can’t, my dog doing ridiculous things, blasting out a song I wrote with my friends to a pub full of people.

Yeah, I know. Fucking GAY, right? Let’s get on with the RANTING! Fuck this HAPPY SHIT, right?!

Actually, that’s not a bad introductory post, now that I read it back. It gives a little insight into my character, my writing style, my philosopical/religious/political bent. There’s a bit of swearing so you’ll think I’m hella cool and know that I’m not to be trifled with (grr, look out). There’s even a bit of self-effacing humour (or is it self-deprecating? I’m so stupid I don’t know the difference! See? I did it again!) so you’ll know I’m not a complete wanker.

But then again, I just started a blog …

I’ll keep you posted.