George, meet Barry. Now fuck off.

Doubled here (sans profanity!):

Don’t let the Whitehouse door hit you in the arse on the way out. On the other hand, I hope someone jams your pinky finger in it. And smacks you in the nuts with an army boot.

But, seriously, now that he’s gone, I guess we can’t rag on Dubya anymore. Sure, he’s given the world enough material (both unintentionally comedic, in a painful, Ricky-Gervais-in-The-Office kind of way as well as just plain tragic) to last the next 8 years, but have pity – he’s unemployed now. He’s likely to stay that way too – given his oratory skills it’s doubtful he’ll be able to make a living on the lucrative public-speaking circuit like his silver-tongued predecessor Bubba Clinton. But hey, there’s always Pop to turn to. Hell, who do you think got him his last job? And the one before that? Oh well, he’s got plenty of time to work on his golf game – and no pesky-ass reporterers asking him about boring shit like wars or deficits or hurricanes or drowned cities.

Anyway, there’s a new kid in town. A handsome chap who can – get this – string a few words together. Words that make grammatical sense as well as express all the stuff the world (and America) has wanted to hear from a US President for a while now. He’s resilient too. On his way to the Oval Office, Barry Hussein Obama managed to stride with class past all kinds of accusations from his desperate opponents: that he’s a Marxist; that he’s pro-abortion for everyone whether you want it or not; that he’s a secret Muslim; that he’s an Arab; that (and this was really stretching it) he’s not even a US citizen and therefore ineligible to be President in the first place. I suppose those people forgot that Hawaii, Bazza’s home state, is actually part of the US, even though it’s not physically attached (Alaska’s separated from the US by several million Canadians, but that didn’t stop people voting for Klondike Barbie, the beehived moose-shootin’ halfwit in Tina Fey glasses who couldn’t even lie & name just one newspaper – then accused the media of entrapment. Did she have a running mate? Some old guy? Meh. Whatever.). I’m also wondering why those desperate Republicans thought the possibility of Barry being an Arab or a Muslim would automatically make him an evil ayatollah-in-waiting, ready at a moment’s notice to impose an Islamic theocracy on the US, burn everyone’s Bibles, make everyone get gay-married and abort their third-trimester babies for the glory of Allah and Karl Marx. Hmmm…I think some people got a little confused there. Hell, I’m a bit confused myself.

In the end it all turned out great for Barry & Mimi O and the First Daughters, despite all the head-explodey brain-vomit from the nutjobs who couldn’t even mount an attack more damaging than “Dear lord, his middle name is ‘Hussein’ – RUN for your LIVES!” The other day (you may have seen it on the news) the O’s had themselves a big party with movie stars & pop stars & two million of their closest friends (& fucking Bono of course – he wasn’t invited, but just try and keep that bloke & his blarney away from a microphone and a captive audience) and then they got to ride in what must be The World’s Most Pimping Bulletproof Cadillac, which musta been just swell.

But now, after a totally sweet speech, the hard work begins. And “hard” barely even scratches the surface – George and his team basically wiped their arses on America for eight years and left Barry holding one worn-out toothbrush with which to clean everything up. Team Bush’s parting shot, the current financial crisis (brought about in part by George and his pals making life easier for themselves at the expense of pretty much everyone on the planet who isn’t a CEO) is the economic equivalent of leaving a massive hangover-turd in Barry’s new Presidential bedroom. With only one box of Kleenex on the dresser! Classy, George. Real nice.

So, anyway: the new guy’s got his work cut out for him. I don’t think anyone with a shred of realistic objectivity thinks the big O is some kind of political messiah, but hey – the guy can talk English proper where George, obviously, had it as a second language (I’ll take submissions on what George’s first language might be). Barry O says the things people want to hear, he represents a lot of what people find great about America and Barry even has daughters who aren’t running around binging on alcopops and flashing their gear all over the place (but give ’em time – they’re not even in high school yet).

But Big O’s definitely going to be pushing shit uphill for the next four years and he’ll need serious intestinal fortitude. I for one hope he doesn’t take any easy, quick-fix options. America needs more than a new lick of paint, it needs the kind of fixin’ that crappy old houses on renovation shows need: re-stumping, new floorboards, bi-fold doors leading to a new deck, a cubby for the kids with beanbags, plasma screen & PS3 in it, the kitchen walls painted in pistachio, a themed water feature and a wee day bed-equipped gazebo thatched with authentic Balinese thatching stuff. Hell, maybe one day the O’s will return home blindfolded from a state visit, that blokey tool-belt bloke off the telly will yell “surprise” and they’ll find their America has been backyard blitzed while they were off begging Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez for some more heating oil. Baz will be agape, the kids will jump up and down & squeal, the First Dog will hump the handyman’s dog to everyone’s amusement, Mrs O will start blubbing and whichever blond pint-size who’s hosting the show that week will give her a big ol’ bear-hug like they’ve been best gal-pals since primary school. And Everything Will Be Fine!

Or maybe Baz will be just another Democrat president in the mold of a Kennedy or Clinton: a little more careful on the cash side of things; a bit more discrete when it comes to razing poor foreign peoples’ villages to the ground; a little more eloquent when justifying his administration’s reflexive support of and sucking up to the usual suspects like those affable, head-removing, woman-hating, oil-filthy scamps, the Saudis.

Can we see that happening? Yes we can.

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