George, meet Barry. Now fuck off.

Doubled here (sans profanity!):

Don’t let the Whitehouse door hit you in the arse on the way out. On the other hand, I hope someone jams your pinky finger in it. And smacks you in the nuts with an army boot.

But, seriously, now that he’s gone, I guess we can’t rag on Dubya anymore. Sure, he’s given the world enough material (both unintentionally comedic, in a painful, Ricky-Gervais-in-The-Office kind of way as well as just plain tragic) to last the next 8 years, but have pity – he’s unemployed now. He’s likely to stay that way too – given his oratory skills it’s doubtful he’ll be able to make a living on the lucrative public-speaking circuit like his silver-tongued predecessor Bubba Clinton. But hey, there’s always Pop to turn to. Hell, who do you think got him his last job? And the one before that? Oh well, he’s got plenty of time to work on his golf game – and no pesky-ass reporterers asking him about boring shit like wars or deficits or hurricanes or drowned cities.

Anyway, there’s a new kid in town. A handsome chap who can – get this – string a few words together. Words that make grammatical sense as well as express all the stuff the world (and America) has wanted to hear from a US President for a while now. He’s resilient too. On his way to the Oval Office, Barry Hussein Obama managed to stride with class past all kinds of accusations from his desperate opponents: that he’s a Marxist; that he’s pro-abortion for everyone whether you want it or not; that he’s a secret Muslim; that he’s an Arab; that (and this was really stretching it) he’s not even a US citizen and therefore ineligible to be President in the first place. I suppose those people forgot that Hawaii, Bazza’s home state, is actually part of the US, even though it’s not physically attached (Alaska’s separated from the US by several million Canadians, but that didn’t stop people voting for Klondike Barbie, the beehived moose-shootin’ halfwit in Tina Fey glasses who couldn’t even lie & name just one newspaper – then accused the media of entrapment. Did she have a running mate? Some old guy? Meh. Whatever.). I’m also wondering why those desperate Republicans thought the possibility of Barry being an Arab or a Muslim would automatically make him an evil ayatollah-in-waiting, ready at a moment’s notice to impose an Islamic theocracy on the US, burn everyone’s Bibles, make everyone get gay-married and abort their third-trimester babies for the glory of Allah and Karl Marx. Hmmm…I think some people got a little confused there. Hell, I’m a bit confused myself.

In the end it all turned out great for Barry & Mimi O and the First Daughters, despite all the head-explodey brain-vomit from the nutjobs who couldn’t even mount an attack more damaging than “Dear lord, his middle name is ‘Hussein’ – RUN for your LIVES!” The other day (you may have seen it on the news) the O’s had themselves a big party with movie stars & pop stars & two million of their closest friends (& fucking Bono of course – he wasn’t invited, but just try and keep that bloke & his blarney away from a microphone and a captive audience) and then they got to ride in what must be The World’s Most Pimping Bulletproof Cadillac, which musta been just swell.

But now, after a totally sweet speech, the hard work begins. And “hard” barely even scratches the surface – George and his team basically wiped their arses on America for eight years and left Barry holding one worn-out toothbrush with which to clean everything up. Team Bush’s parting shot, the current financial crisis (brought about in part by George and his pals making life easier for themselves at the expense of pretty much everyone on the planet who isn’t a CEO) is the economic equivalent of leaving a massive hangover-turd in Barry’s new Presidential bedroom. With only one box of Kleenex on the dresser! Classy, George. Real nice.

So, anyway: the new guy’s got his work cut out for him. I don’t think anyone with a shred of realistic objectivity thinks the big O is some kind of political messiah, but hey – the guy can talk English proper where George, obviously, had it as a second language (I’ll take submissions on what George’s first language might be). Barry O says the things people want to hear, he represents a lot of what people find great about America and Barry even has daughters who aren’t running around binging on alcopops and flashing their gear all over the place (but give ’em time – they’re not even in high school yet).

But Big O’s definitely going to be pushing shit uphill for the next four years and he’ll need serious intestinal fortitude. I for one hope he doesn’t take any easy, quick-fix options. America needs more than a new lick of paint, it needs the kind of fixin’ that crappy old houses on renovation shows need: re-stumping, new floorboards, bi-fold doors leading to a new deck, a cubby for the kids with beanbags, plasma screen & PS3 in it, the kitchen walls painted in pistachio, a themed water feature and a wee day bed-equipped gazebo thatched with authentic Balinese thatching stuff. Hell, maybe one day the O’s will return home blindfolded from a state visit, that blokey tool-belt bloke off the telly will yell “surprise” and they’ll find their America has been backyard blitzed while they were off begging Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez for some more heating oil. Baz will be agape, the kids will jump up and down & squeal, the First Dog will hump the handyman’s dog to everyone’s amusement, Mrs O will start blubbing and whichever blond pint-size who’s hosting the show that week will give her a big ol’ bear-hug like they’ve been best gal-pals since primary school. And Everything Will Be Fine!

Or maybe Baz will be just another Democrat president in the mold of a Kennedy or Clinton: a little more careful on the cash side of things; a bit more discrete when it comes to razing poor foreign peoples’ villages to the ground; a little more eloquent when justifying his administration’s reflexive support of and sucking up to the usual suspects like those affable, head-removing, woman-hating, oil-filthy scamps, the Saudis.

Can we see that happening? Yes we can.

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Campaign 2008…

…and what a beauty it’s been! We had Hillarious Clinton sinking to brave, new, stupendous lows against her own party-mate Barry Obama – doing herself out of the VP slot and basically handing him the nomination. That was quite a … well, whole year of fun wasn’t it? Dirty tricks and bullshit is par for the course in an election campaign, but against your own team-mate? In one of the most vitally important election years the US has ever seen? Hilly, hopefully you’ve realised all your shenanigans, lying about snipers and flat-out bitchy attacks (and Barry’s comparatively rather classy & dignified responses) just made you look like an enormous bitch. But I guess we’ll see if you’ve learned one damned thing come 2012.

Before that, we (the world) had a brief scare when a couple of god-bothering fundie nutfucks, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, came perilously close to grabbing the Republican nomination. Seriously, a choice between a cranky, out-of-touch flip-flopping war vet, a Mormon and a creationist halfwit? Is that the best the Repubs could muster? Fark me. Guess they’re plum outa Bushes. Dang! Thankfully, though, the best man (i.e. the man who’ll with any luck hand the country to Obama) got the nod.

Then, for a long time, nothing happened. Until John “Maverick”McCain (or whoever it is that strains his soup) had a brainwave and headed to Alaska, where he found a marginally attractive former (and self proclaimed) “hockey mom” to run for Vice President with him. After all his bleating about Baz Obama’s lack of foreign policy experience, he picks governor Sarah Palin, a former mayor (or something) of a small town with less people than your average football stadium who only got her passport within the living memory of your average goldfish. A woman who, by all accounts of her time as a mayor and governor, would rather have under her a pack of loyal and eternally grateful toadies instead of qualified people who can do their damn jobs (which sounds eerily familiar). A woman whose foreign policy experience is probably less than my own – I have visited exactly one country beside Australia in my life – New Zealand, which is literally beside Australia. Obama’s perceived lack of FPE has been the cornerstone of McCain’s campaign thus far & McCain’s own foreign policy experience seems to consist of (a) being shot down in Vietnam thirty years ago and then held captive and (b) standing in some desert somewhere and getting confused between Shia & Sunni. How do you explain that, John? If you die (admit it – you might, you old bastard), the woman in charge of the world’s most powerful military will be a woman who’s barely even seen her own country.

Dear, dear Mrs Palin. Well, there are a lot of things to like about this woman (for a fundie right-wing voter anyway): she’s pro-abstinence and seemingly anti-sex-ed (which seems to have worked really well for her preggo unwed teenage daughter); a creationist (who else says things like “teach the controversy, teach ID”?); a gun-lover; anti-abortion (on that note, she’s said that even if her daughter was 14 and a rape victim she’d still force her to have the child) and she kinda looks like Tina Fey’s taller, not-as-cute sister. She ticks a lot of boxes for fundie bingo (probably all of them: I don’t know for sure but I bet she hates gays too)! Also: she’s a woman! That’ll get the woman vote! I guess Campaign McCain remembered how well Hillarious was doing (until she b0rked herself) and thought “A-ha! They might have a black guy, but I gots me a white woman and they’re scared of black guys so they’ll all vote for my white woman! Ha!”

But is hasn’t all been smooth running. Because Palin’s a complete big-boy politics n00b, she can’t hold herself up in public and managed to confuse a couple of private companies with publicy-funded ones, bitched them out for being “too big and too expensive” and made herself look utterly retarded. She’s been bitching about all the coverage her daughter’s pregnancy has been receiving as well. But hey, you can’t blame the press – here’s an anti-birth control, abstinence-only mother who has a rapidly-swelling teenaged case of EPIC FAIL OF ABSTINENCE living in her house. If she can’t (or won’t, as seems to be the case) teach her own daughter about how to not get pregnant then you have to call into question her common sense. If Palin has that standard fundie equation in her head – “how to not get pregnant = license to WHORE” – one has to wonder what other dogmatic retardedness is going on there. Basically, if a policy she supports has failed dismally in her own freaking home, one has to wonder about her plans for the nation should the unfortunate (but not entirely improbable) happen to McCain.

So, she’s having herself a case of BAW at the media, who keep asking her mean ol‘ questions about what the hell she’s doing on the Repub ticket and how the hell is she more qualified to run the country than someone like Ron Paul (who’d never get the nod from the Repubs because he’s a big fan of the Constitution, that quaint document the Reps have been wiping their arses with for 8 years). They ask personal questions about her family too and I think she’s just had enough! Palin (or her handlers) have imposed a fortnight’s media ban – until they promise to show deference and respect to her. Are you fucking KIDDING ME? They’re keeping her away from the media because she doesn’t like the attention, they’s asking her all nasty questions and stuff. BAW! You’re running for Vice President of the USA, you cloth-headed twunt! You’re going to cop some attention. And, just between you and me, be thankful you’re a white Republican. Can you imagine the media environment, a few years back, if an unwed Chelsea Clinton was in school and pregnant? Well, the US media is a lot more right-biased now than it was in 1992-2000. Imagine the salivating talking heads on FOX News today (and here at home, people like right-wing knee-jerk schill Andrew “Batman is AMERICA, Joker is OSAMA therefore it’s OKAY TO SPY ON EVERYONE ALL THE TIME” Fucking Bolt) if it was discovered if one of Baz & Michelle Obama’s kids was up the duff? Trust me, it wouldn’t be some cutesy fucking Juno moment with a lot of understanding and several hours of highly improbable (and somewhat annoying) dialogue. Can you imagine the feeding frenzy in the alleged “liberal” media if it turned out that Barry was about to become a grandbabydaddy to a black bastard? It’d be like seventy Christmases for the Republicans. Now, I’m not saying the current frenzy is mild. It’s not. US political reporting lives on and for this shit – they long ago gave up actually reporting on candidates’ stands on issues. These days it’s about who’s more electable & (less publicly) who has to pander the most to the fucking gun nuts and churchies and corporate arseholes to get the win.

You may have guessed that I want Obama to win. Not than an Australian should really give a shit, but the US is our most powerful ally and a lot of what happens there directly affects what happens here. US starts a war? Call the Aussies (they know our SAS are fucking badasses). Greenback starts to suck balls? So does our trusty buck. They start another TV reality show? We can expect it here in about six months and our own version in twelve to eighteen. But why Obama? Because he’s intelligent and he’s run a classy campaign. He thinks science is a good thing. He can string a sentence together and actually make statements, instead of a bunch of gung-ho kick-ass war-talk, cutesy down-home bullshit or just plain old condescension, punctuated with a shit-eating smirk. He’s basically the polar opposite of Dubya. He’s a properly educated man (Harvard law I believe). Bush does have an MBA from Yale – a college he had to get his dad to shoehorn him into, where he was a freaking cheerleader. At the stage of his life when Barack was a community organiser helping people in poor areas of Chicago, Bush was out drinking himself retarded and ruining every company he was appointed director of, or being spirited away from service in Vietnam, again by daddy. Dubya’s basically had everything (including the lives and incomes of 300 million people) just handed to him. He’s a spoiled little halfwit who may be charming to some (I just find every sound and facial expression he makes supremely irritating) but has been the figurehead of the most reprehensibly destructive and dangerous force in the world since late 2001. Barack seems to me to be a longtime public servant who might actually give a shit about what people need, being that he’s actually spent his life with people, and not his dad’s cronies. Hell, I could be flat wrong, but comparing the two

Obama? Something new – not another Republican, for starters. A guy who speaks intelligently and says a lot of the right things. It remains to be seen if he’ll accomplish them. If nothing else, the lesser of two evils (an election choice which we in Australia are all too familiar with). If he gets in, I hope he has the balls to whip his gutless fucking party into shape. The Dems have been a pack of scrotum-deficient spineless fucks for way too long. Time to hit the Repubs with four years of “fuck you.”

McCain? Basically, four more years of Team Bush, only more stupid – well, perhaps not more stupid, but just as stupid with different kinds of stupid. Palin? So retarded & incompetent people would be fondly reminiscing about Cheney. That’s what it boils down to.

And, I think, this is what Campaign McCain has boiled down to (from here):

Unfortunately, given the 2000 and 2004 results (and the machinations that made those results possible), I know for a fact that there are (almost) enough people in the US to elect McCain and his fembot. Come on America – I loved you as a kid, even with Reagan in charge. Now wake the fuck up and stop voting against your own interests!