#RECIPE! Vanquished Pumpkin Soup!


Take a small pumpkin. Hack it to pieces. Place them on the shield of a defeated foe. Take an onion, remove the papery filth on the outside and with one well-place blow, cleave it. Place the halves with the pumpkin. Find a bulb of garlic. FOOL! Put that crusher down. Place the whole bulb on the shield. Oil everything. Add salt and pepper. Roast in the flames of the burning hall of your enemy until all is softer than a shield-maiden’s cheek.

In the meantime prepare a litre of stock in the upturned helmet of the hated scum-lord whose village now lies in ruins. FOOL! Remove his head from it first!

Now wait, recalling every sword-stroke of your victory, savouring the memory of the screams of each fallen enemy. Anticipate meeting friend and foe again in Odin’s Hall in Valhalla to feast, fight, die and be reborn for eternity.

FOOL! The vegetables almost burned during your reverie! You should’ve had one of your thralls watching them if you were going to sit there like a sentimental old man with tears in his eyes.

Now, take the pumpkin shards and put them in the hot stock. Hack the roasted onion into small pieces. Remove the roasted garlic cloves from their flaky, useless ghastliness. Put them and the onion pieces into the stock with the pumpkin. Now, take your hand-blender (or your axe, if you like making things difficult for yourself) and turn it all into a thick orange potion that would nourish Thor himself on the longest night of winter.

Pour into helmets, garnish with fresh herbs. Serve with hot bread rolls. What? You didn’t have bread rolls warming next to the shield of your fallen enemy that carried the hacked pumpkin while it was roasting? FOOL!


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