You know what? Next time, just vote for me. Why? Compulsory rainwater tanks on every new home built. Solar panels on every public school roof and office block. Realistic unloopholed taxes on CEO salaries. A 35-hour week. A national secondary school driver instruction program. Broadband which isn’t laughed at by the entire developed world. A sausage sizzle at my place every second Saturday.
And: Gina Rinehart on a janitor’s wage. Clive Palmer in a clown suit. Your mum on a postage stamp. A big stick to whap people who don’t let you change lanes. Rupert Murdoch barred from owning anything in Australia except some thongs. Andrew Bolt on a leaky boat to Sri Lanka. Japanese whale pirates on a raft in the Antarctic. John Howard and Tony Abbott thrown overboard – if there are any rescue offers I’ll STOP THE BOATS.
I further promise you’ll never see me kissing a football or kicking a baby.