Clive Palmer’s Billboard (speculative fiction)

SCENE: a small home-office, mid-afternoon, early 2013.

CLIVE
Yellow. I’m thinking yellow. Very eye-catching.

DESIGNER
Where? Text, border?

CLIVE
Everything. How many completely yellow billboards do you ever see?

DESIGNER
But if everything’s yellow the text won’t stand out.

CLIVE
Noone mentioned text. Billboards are a visual medium. Noone’s going to slow down to read my bloody manifesto.

DESIGNER
Noone’s going to know why there’s a massive picture of you on a blank yellow background at an intersection. They’ll think you’re selling sex-pills to gross old guys.

CLIVE
Excellent point. That’s why you’re my favourite niece. Want a job on my staff?

DESIGNER
I have exams in two weeks. Speaking of your staff, they emailed. They want to know if you’re still set on using that picture Mum took at Christmas lunch last year.

CLIVE
Love that shot. Hey, Where’s my beer? And my other beer?

DESIGNER
Your people suggested I photoshop on some thumbs-ups. They thought you holding two XXXX cans might give the impression that you’re an irresponsible meathead making a mockery of public service.

CLIVE
Bloody wowsers. This is why (clears throat) Australia needs a bloody good Palming!

DESIGNER
They also said you should drop that as a slogan. It’s creepy, Uncle Clive.

CLIVE
Wankers. Where’d you get the thumbs? They look a bit big.

DESIGNER
Mum had some other shots of you lying around. They only had beers and thumbs-ups in them. These ones were the best but I haven’t finished resizing them yet.

CLIVE
They look bloody brilliant to me. Like I could grab the whole country and give it a bloody good Palm

DESIGNER
– ew!

CLIVE
Bloody wowser. Fine, just pick something generic. But don’t touch the thumbs!

Image

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