You can never, ever do what you want with who you want (including yourself) without express & highly conditional Pope-y permission, especially if it involves your heart, mind or doubleplus-especially your genitals which we now vicariously control as we’ve been railroaded into never using ours (because the Church can’t have employees leaving property to their heirs, oh no). Caveat: if & when some of us do use our genitals – most likely on the children we forced you to have on pain of eternal torment – it totally doesn’t count because it’s all the secularist gay atheists’ fault.
Now give me your fucking money.
Some people must really have low self-opinions (or just be intensely terrified) to allow a pack of elderly virgins (many of whom aren’t very good at staying that way) to lead them around by their bits. It never ceases to amaze me just how obsessed the Papacy is with stuff that’s none of its business (and not within its skillset).
I must concede, though, making gossiping about your private life to a priest mandatory was genius; really sets the tone for your relationship with the Church (fucked if it’s about your relationship with God – all you ever get to do is talk to his bouncers). The Vatican’s certainly got its chops down, being a “spiritual” empire and all and claiming middle-man status and absolute jurisdiction even after you die. If Catholicism was just a temporal, material empire but made the same ludicrous demands of its subjects, the natives would’ve looked at each other, said “fuck this for a game of horseshoes”, revolted and razed the Vatican half a millenium ago. But no, God’s Goombah threw in the ol’ eternal carrot/stick and bingo – frightened ignorant villagers have passed this ghastly voyeuristic blackmail on to their kids for 1500 years and counting.