Re-post Theatre: fixing Christianity

In June 2010, I penned a quick fan-fic version of Christianity. Why? Because the original story was so full of holes it was, well, unbelievable. An all-powerful god electing to have an avatar of himself executed in ancient Palestine in order to forgive humanity for the single, inherited sin of their original two ancestors? It’s a wonder the story caught on at all – presumably, any all-powerful being could have just forgiven us all in the snap of a finger. It’s not like we can possibly be held accountable for the sin of Adam & Eve. It makes absolutely no logical or moral sense – even if you grant the liberal Christian theological point that Adam & Eve were metaphors for all of humanity, you’re still left with the cold, hard fact that we’re still being held accountable for the sins of those who came before us, still being labelled as hellbound sinners at birth (conception, even) and still having our souls held to ransom. We’re still being presented with a story which, if we can’t believe it, will see us consigned to Hell. Based on that, I concluded that it would make more sense if God simply wasn’t omnipotent, even if you grant him omnibenevolence and omnipresence. Accordingly I attempted to present a narrative of Christianity that, although still rooted in the supernatural, made slightly more sense than the one I grew up accepting (grudgingly, at times, until I abandoned it completely).

Well, I read through my original manuscript and decided to make a few small changes (in order to, um, make it more logically coherent). I hope I succeeded.

 I know how to make Christianity more logically coherent

Yes, I do. I can fix it so it’s more believable. It involves a couple of major changes to the narrative – or “interpretations” if you’re a theologian – which would likely get me burned at the stake, but at least it’d make more sense. And, really, isn’t making stuff up to paper over the cracks in your faith the very essence of theology?

First, let’s recap the current story: God creates man, man defies God, God condemns man to death (first by eviction from Paradise and eternal life, next via diluvial genocide, sparing but one righteous family on an unfeasibly large boat). Later, God, disguised as his own son, the avatar named Jesus, returns to earth to a) try and convince everyone he’s God’s son and b) have himself executed as the ultimate scapegoat in order to take on all of man’s sins against himself and spare man from the eternal Hellfire he presumably created. Got that? God sacrifices his avatar to himself in order to save mankind from his own wrath (on the sole condition that man believes God did precisely that and for the reasons stated, otherwise the deal is off and you can go to Hell).

I’m sure we’re all familiar with the story. I’m equally sure we’re all familiar with the objections: God is all-powerful – in fact, the supreme power in and outside space and time – so he shouldn’t have needed to be tortured and killed as a mere man by other mere men and have those same men believe he did so in order that they be saved from him. God is all-loving – in fact, we’re led to believe that even Hitler might be in Heaven if he recanted his many sins – so if he chose he should be able to simply forgive us all our imperfections, without demanding we accept his sacrifice – and wouldn’t an all-loving God have not created a place such as Hell in the first place? God is all-seeing – in fact, we’re told God can see all of us, all the time, all the way into our hearts and minds through and past all our thoughts and feelings – so he shouldn’t need us to pray or worship him or abstain from sex until marriage or wear certain things or not eat other things or even do good works in order for him to see the truth of our characters. God is also all-knowing, we’re told – this presumably means that he knows a way in which we mere men could all be convinced of the truth of his might & power & love without having to rely on non-eyewitness accounts of the life of his avatar, endlessly diluted by the passage of time.

If God is the god, the most powerful god, the only god, he shouldn’t have needed to make such a horrid spectacle of himself in order that we all be spared hellfire. If he loved us all and wanted to forgive us all our trespasses and keep us from torment, he had and has always had the power to do so without imposing upon us arbitrary conditions and rules regarding such trivialities as facial hair, when and to whom we can make love and how much of our genitals we get to keep at birth. No, if God was the only god and all-powerful and all-loving he wouldn’t have created the place called Hell (or allowed it to exist, if someone else created it) that his avatar’s grisly murder is meant to save us from. The logical conclusion, therefore, is that God either is not all-powerful, not all-loving or perhaps … not the only god.

What I propose is this: the god known variously as Allah, Yahweh or Jehovah but, more commonly in the Christian narrative, “God”, is indeed not the only god and is not all-powerful. God did not have his human avatar Jesus tortured and murdered by Rome in order that we be saved from his Hell. Instead God, out of his all-consuming love for man, had himself sacrificed to appease another, at least equally powerful god – a god he had been at war with for thousands of years up to the point of the crucifixion. A god whom he expelled to the Underworld after the Beginning. A god who was once an angel, one of God’s own children. A god who defied him and who he then left alone in the deep darkness. A god who then became more powerful, more vengeful and more evil than even God himself could predict or prevent (otherwise, being all-powerful and all-knowing, he could have done so). This god, this son of God, has many names, but the first name he was given was Lucifer. Later he became known as Be’elzebub, Satan, The Serpent, Prince of Darkness – The Devil Himself. God, who created the light and created life, left the darkness and the afterlife to Lucifer as a bargain – the price for his silence, his non-interference in God’s Plan. Lucifer, to start, accepts this. But, Lucifer, being Lucifer and always looking for an angle, wishes an advantage. As men die, his numbers increase & his new souls outnumber the angels. Lucifer plots a revolt and begins working on an army. God discovers this plot and he also sees what Lucifer does to souls in Hell – corrupts them, tortures them, enrages them & turns them against God – and God does not like it. God becomes angry and vengeful and amasses his angels. War with Lucifer is inevitable. Lucifer’s twisted, tormented, wrathful souls – demons – and God’s mighty angels are thrown together in battle between Heaven and Hell. Neither side can gain the advantage. Even if God was indeed all-powerful and could smite Lucifer in the blink of an eye, his love for Lucifer – his first son, older than Adam himself – stays his hand from annihilation.

God, after thousands of years of stalemate with Lucifer, decides that the obliteration of countless angels and the torment of the endless stream of dead must stop. He begs a parlay. Lucifer agrees and halts his demented armies, but he’s unwilling to simply cease hostilities and so demands a sacrifice: God is to taste life, pain and mortality. He is to manifest as human, live a human life and suffer and die as a human. He may try to gain as many human souls for his Heaven as he can – he may even perform what miracles he can to as many people as he can to convince them to follow him and avoid being conscripted into Lucifer’s armies or consigned to his pits – but he only has one human lifetime in which to do it. Whosoever accepts the Word of God’s human avatar may be granted Heaven for eternity; whosoever does not will join Lucifer in Hell to suffer or serve as Lucifer sees fit. Lucifer, being outside time & space just as his father is, chooses ancient Palestine & Judea as the setting for God’s mission: the region is occupied by Roman forces; written communication is possible but difficult to disseminate quickly; word-of-mouth does spread quickly but the languages used will soon be dead; existing religious & political powers will be hostile toward any radical new philosophy; lives are short and punishment is brutal. God knows the odds are against him but, out of desperation and love for mankind, he agrees. God knows this is the best chance – the only chance – that he has to save his creation. But even as he agrees to the terms, he accepts that most people will not accept the truth of his sacrifice – many simply will never hear about it – and will unwittingly join Lucifer – either as soldier or slave – after they die.

The rest we know: Lucifer chose wisely. Romans and Pharisees identify God’s avatar – the charismatic rabbi named Jesus – as a threat to both the political and religious status quo. They imprison him, torture him and later have him executed in a most brutal and agonising fashion, like a common criminal. Although God, working as Jesus, is able to perform great deeds and gain traction among a small subset of the Hebrew population, his life is short even by the standards of the time. Though his power allows him to cheat death itself and tales of his deeds spread it takes a generation, long after Jesus’ disciples were dead, before written accounts surface. Once they do the going is slow, but eventually the cult of Jesus Christ, the “Anointed One”, is adopted by the very people who murdered him. The Roman Empire, almost five hundred years after Jesus’ execution, make Christianity the state religion, eclipsing Roman paganism (but appropriating the major pagan festivals as markers of Jesus’ birth and death – a shrewd political decision on the part of emperor Augustine as it leaves Romans free to indulge & feast in the way they’re accustomed to, but otherwise has little impact on their lives).

In time however, the Roman Empire declines, fractures and is replaced by numerous self-governing states around Europe and the Mediterranean. But the Empire is not dead: as its physical boundaries shrink, it builds on the wealth and power it has left. Soon the Roman military & political empire becomes an inter-state spiritual empire, spreading and defending Christianity (and ironically gaining more wealth and power than the early Romans could have dreamed) by word, deed, fire and the sword. It has its own armies but is also able to call on the armies of friendly (or coerced) Christian nations to do its bidding – to do its killing and dying. But, since the fifth century, those in the ruling class of Rome have always been careful not to speak of God’s deal with the Devil. You cannot admit weakness in the face of your flock – equally in the face of your enemies. Any texts describing God’s infamous, desperate pact with Lucifer are hidden in vaults or crypts, denied outright or are simply burned (as are any heretics who dare to speak of such things). Only selected texts are allowed to become Gospel – even texts which do not agree with each other or have little spiritual value are preferable to those which belie God’s supremacy.

And so, we come to today. The Empire still exists, but has challengers and dissenters: even after many years of Inquisition, torture, war and death there are still Jews who do not accept Jesus as their saviour. A different type of Christian, the Protestant (of which there will soon be countless varieties), does not agree that the only way to Heaven is through obeying the rules of the Holy Roman Empire. Persecution is carried out and wars are waged over differences in theology. An English king named Henry even expels Roman Christianity from his lands and creates, ex nihilo, a new Church with new rules and proclaims himself and his descendants its supreme leader. An eastern prophet named Mohammed, who claims to have received the last & final version of God’s word, is revered in the places Christianity could not reach (but his faith also fractures after his death and the schisms exist to this day). Endless bloody crusades are waged against the Mohammedans and attempts to retrieve the Middle-Eastern “Holy Land” for European Christendom are mounted. As the death toll mounts, Lucifer’s forces become strong, as do those of God. Once again God, seeing so many join Lucifer’s ranks in both servitude and suffering, is reaching his breaking point. He ponders what other sacrifice can be made to save mankind. God became man’s sacrificial lamb at Lucifer’s demand but after two thousand years of losing more souls to Hell than he gains for Heaven, he wishes something more definite. He no longer desires to simply amass an army in silence and watch Lucifer do likewise; he wishes direct confrontation. He wishes an end to the war. For the first time, God’s plan includes a swift & decisive victory over darkness – to defeat & if necessary vanquish his first son, Lucifer. Years earlier, when his forces were weak, he had in fact revealed to John this desire for confrontation, who then foolishly wrote it down for all to read – a final battle for humanity between Light & Darkness on the plains of Armageddon. God wished to return to Earth to lead the armies of Light and vanquish the forces of Darkness once and for all. Lucifer, thanks to John’s indiscretion, has always known of this, but he does not know when the attack will come, so he continues his preparations and continues to lure human souls to Hell. For thousands of years, Christians are told “when God decides the time is right, he will return as Jesus the Conqueror and vanquish the Devil and his minions; the righteous shall be forever blessed and the wicked forever damned”.

Christians still wait and the Cold War between Heaven and Hell continues.

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It should be noted that in the original comment thread, an anonymous commenter posted the following:

I’m going to have to call plagiarism! That is almost word-for-word how my “Bible Studies” textbook in (Lutheran) High-School summed it up. 🙂

I thought this was particularly amusing as I thought I’d hit upon an original slant on the narrative, however it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Christians have been attempting to shoehorn their story into the fact & reality-based world for many generations; it was probably only a matter of time before one particular group decided to concede that yes, perhaps God wasn’t the only god and wasn’t the big kahuna the book makes him out to be!

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First Power Balance, now Radiguard?

On Dec 24 I saw an ad on Australian TV for a button that you stick on your mobile phone to shield you from the dangerous radiation that mobile phones are alleged to cause (according to “studies”). It costs $40. Google around, you’ll find the website for the “RadiGuard”.

Leaving aside the fact that the actual studies to date done on mobile phone radiation (not the “studies” the commercial referred to) have been at best inconclusive with regard to actual or even potential harm (and here’s a nice link on that subject – and that’s a site you should visit every day, by the way), here’s why this thing is, frankly, a complete scam designed to make you afraid and then capitalise on that manufactured fear:

1. This device is meant to be a radiation barrier, yet you stick it to the BACK of your phone. Shouldn’t it be between your head and the phone, i.e. on the FRONT? A barrier is no damn good if it’s anywhere other than between you and the hazard. This shouldn’t need pointing out. Unless you’re more concerned about hand cancer than head cancer.

1a. Perhaps this sticky button is meant to “stop” radiation in a way other than providing a physical barrier? Other than on Star Trek, no “field” exists which can stop EM or IR radiation. There’s a reason your radiologist stands behind a big thingy and wears lead underpants.

2. It claims to “block” IR radiation – heat – without itself heating up. In other words it claims to be able to violate physics and destroy energy. Or perhaps it can cool itself at the exact same rate as it heats so there appears to be no change in temperature – the world’s most efficient heatsink? Or perhaps it simply transports the energy to another dimension? If any of those apply it’d be no small accomplishment for a device with no power source.

3. It claims to block 99.5% of the radiation your phone emits – without affecting signal strength. Considering most of the radiation emitted by your phone IS the signal, again, that’s no small accomplishment.

4. It claims to use something called “Scalar Energy Embedding” … which does not exist. I don’t mind if the crew of the Enterprise string some science-y words together as some kind of plot device, but the crew aren’t charging gullible Klingons $40 apiece for sticky buttons and claiming they defy everything currently known about everything and will protect you from the brain tumors that EVERYONE WHO USES A MOBILE PHONE IS GETTING right now – oh, that’s right, they’re not.

This kind of misuse of the word “energy” – and this whole sordid scam itself – reminds me of those fucking ridiculous rubber hologram bracelets that are meant to make you a better basketball player/golfer/xtreem sports DUDE. And which also cost $40. Hell, even Today Tonight exposed that particular scam for what it was. The sticky radiation guard from THE FUTURE deserves no less.

What to do apart from complain? Bugger alerting the “journalists” at Channel 7 (as they’re highly selective about what they choose to call a scam), complain to the ACCC: http://www.accc.gov.au/content/index.phtml/itemId/54217#h3_37 – go to General Complaints.

People have a right to truthful and accurate information about anything they’ll potentially spend money on. Lying might not be illegal, but lying to make money is definitely illegal. This product is designed to take advantage of a false sense of insecurity and a lack of scientific understanding. It makes claims about “studies” which are not supported. It makes claims about the danger of mobile phones which are not supported. The claims it makes about its own function are not just unsupported, but pure fiction. Everything we’re being told about this product is false, except the price tag (which is the whole point of its existence).

Go, bitch & moan to the ACCC, before someone you love spends their hard-earned on this sticky plastic button in the belief that they’re protecting you or themselves from THE CANCER. If you’ve seen an actual person you love suffer from actual cancer, seeing charlatans attempt to bilk people out of their money using alleged cures or preventions of cancer as the bait should seriously get your back up.

I’m off to write a letter.

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Resolution time

In no particular order:

10. Infiltrate a troupe of baboons; strive to be recognised as one of them; attain alpha male status; create super race of manboons

9. Make time to begin thinking about writing that short story about the novel I once imagined I could write an extremely vague outline for

8. Sell everything I own on ebay and then buy it all back to see how much money I can save

7. Construct a voodoo doll of [name redacted; you’ll know who it is when it happens]

6. Contemplate storyboarding a short film about resolution number 9^

5. Be the best lazy drunken father I can possibly be (lazy drunkenness permitting)

4. Start my own clandestine suburban paintball car safari business

3. Ask somebody in a grey suit why “stop the boats” applies to brown people fleeing for their lives but not to Japanese whale-scientists

2. Write more songs about zombies

1. Do lots of silly shit I can resolve to never do again

0. Get in a car with a stranger

And many, many more …
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My music: From The Ashes – Through The Looking Glass

Happy 2011 C.E.

This tune, “Through The Looking Glass”, was recorded on NYE at Alexandra Gardens in Melbourne and features yours truly on vocals.

Find us on nerdbook.

Enjoy.
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