Hooray for Christian spam.

We get email!

I present, in all its ghastly-fonted (it was actually 12 point Comic Sans MS but Blogger doesn’t seem to have it available – lucky you), horribly-formatted, grammar-challenged, big red glory a Godspam that arrived in my work inbox today. Not my personal inbox, the enquiries inbox that I’m chained to this month (this particular Christian wasn’t all that discerning with their mailing list, were they?):

I’m very, very tempted to reply as a representative of my employer and say it was sent to nobody because we’re an avowedly secular, neutral, humanitarian organisation and as such have no goddam interest in sharing some random idiot’s religious chain-spam. Instead, I’ll go through it in detail because it’s a slow day.

> ALL HOURS IS YOURS BUT, GIVE 1: MINUTE FOR GOD.



> Read only if you have time for God.


> Let me tell you, make sure you read all the way to the bottom. I almost


> deleted this email but I was blessed when I got to the end


>


>


> God, when I received this e-mail, I thought…


>


> I don’t have time for this… And, this is really inappropriate during


> work.


>


>


> Then, I realized that this kind of thinking is… Exactly, what has caused


> lot of the problems in our world today.


>


> We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning…


>


> Maybe, Sunday night…


> And, the unlikely event of a midweek service.


> We do like to have Him around during sickness…


>


>


> And, of course, at funerals.


>


> However, we don’t have time, or room, for Him during work or play…


>


>


> Because.. That’s the part of our lives we think… We can, and should,


> handle on our own.


>


> May God forgive me for ever thinking…


> That… there is a time or place where..


>


> HE is not to be FIRST in my life.


>


>


>


> We should always have time to remember all HE has done for us.


>


>


>


> If, You aren’t ashamed to do this…


>


>


> Please follow the directions.


>


> Jesus said, “If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my


> Father.”


>


> Not ashamed?


>


>


> Pass this on ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT!!


>


> Yes, I do Love God.


>


> HE is my source of existence and Savior.


>


>


> He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I will be nothing.


> But, with Christ, HE strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)


>


>


>


>


>


> This is the simplest test.


>


> If You Love God… And, are not ashamed of all the marvelous things HE has


> done for you…


>


> Send this to ten people and the person who sent it to you!


>


> Now do you have the time to pass it on?


>


> Make sure that you scroll through to the end.


>


> Easy vs. Hard


>


> Why is it so hard to tell the truth but Yet so easy to tell a lie?


>


> Why are we so sleepy in church but Right when the sermon is over we


> suddenly wake up?


>


> Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail, but yet we forward all of the


> nasty ones?


>


> Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the very best one….


>


> There are no costs, but wonderful rewards… GOD BLESS!


>


> Notes: Isn’t it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then


> wonder why the world’s going to hell.


>


> Isn’t it funny how someone can say “I believe in God” but still follow


> Satan (who, by the way, also “believes” in God).


>


> Isn’t it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they


> spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the


> Lord, people think twice about sharing?


>


> Isn’t it funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send


> it to many on your address list because you’re not sure what they believe,


> or what they will think of you for sending it to them.


> Isn’t it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of


> me than what God thinks of me.


>


> I pray, for everyone who sends this to their entire address book, they will


> be blessed by God in a way special for them.


> And send it back to the person who sent it, to let them know that indeed it


> was sent out to many more.

ALL HOURS IS YOURS BUT, GIVE 1: MINUTE FOR GOD.
Read only if you have time for God.

Not so much. But I have time to be a smartarse, so do proceed!

Let me tell you, make sure you read all the way to the bottom. I almost deleted this email but I was blessed when I got to the end

Did it feel all tingly when God blessed your bottom?

God, when I received this e-mail, I thought…I don’t have time for this… And, this is really inappropriate during work.

Well, yes. Yes it is. Gold star for you.

Then, I realized that this kind of thinking is… Exactly, what has caused lot of the problems in our world today.

OK … so NOT reading or forward spam during work is why the world is going to hell? I would’ve thought it had something to do with normal human propensity to act like fuckwits. Oh, and fucking awful syntax.

We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning…Maybe, Sunday night…

Well, I’m told that is when & where he belongs – certainly not in my sodding work email.

And, the unlikely event of a midweek service.

Very unlikely – even Christians like watching LOST.

We do like to have Him around during sickness…

If I’m sick and “Him” is the only person around, I’m going to ask for better insurance … or less morphine.

And, of course, at funerals.

If “He” was around during the sickness part, why is there a funeral happening? FAIL.

However, we don’t have time, or room, for Him during work or play…

Yes, because presumably God’s not a fucking Mars Bar.

Because.. That’s the part of our lives we think… We can, and should, handle on our own.

If you got up off your knees, unclasped your hands and then did something with them, you’d be surprised what you could handle.

May God forgive me for ever thinking… That… there is a time or place where..HE is not to be FIRST in my life.

My lady comes first. Every time. May I be forgiven if I ever forget THAT. Note: your priorities smell like arse.

We should always have time to remember all HE has done for us.

“Done TO us and constantly threatens to continue to do to us” would be more accurate – I’ve read your horrid little books, you know. Besides, for the all-powerful creator of the universe, dictating some confused, retarded books to some confused, retarded shepherds and perhaps popping once or twice doesn’t amount to much.

If, You aren’t ashamed to do this…
Please follow the directions.
Jesus said, “If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.”
Not ashamed?

No. I pity the fool whose god commands him to be ashamed for not spamming his entire fucking address book with religious guilt-trips.

Pass this on ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT!!

CAPS LOCK – are you ready to unleash the MEANING?

Yes, I do Love God.

Good for you. I love Batman, but you don’t see me telling everyone in my address book in big fugly letters. They’d think I was a little unhinged. Or a dick.

HE is my source of existence and Savior.

As is Batman.

He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I will be nothing.

Not that squishy grey thing in your skull or that thumpy red thing in your chest – or those other squishy things? Nobody better make you question your faith, then – you might vanish in a puff of logic.

But, with Christ, HE strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

This is the simplest test.

Sounds like it’d be perfect for you. Proceed.

If You Love God… And, are not ashamed of all the marvelous things HE has done for you…

“After all I’ve done for you! I could be DEAD on a CROSS and you wouldn’t even shed a tear!” Again with the shame and guilt. You guys have a real boner for inflicting these things on yourselves other people don’t you?

Send this to ten people and the person who sent it to you!

I’m happy to return it to you but if I sent it ten other people, I would expect to receive ten kicks to each ball.

Now do you have the time to pass it on?

No. But as I said, plenty of time to be a smartarse.

Make sure that you scroll through to the end.

I quiver with anticip … pation.

Easy vs. Hard

Ooooh, I love multiple choice.

Why is it so hard to tell the truth but Yet so easy to tell a lie?

Is that rhetorical? Why is “Yet” capitalised? What is it with this dodgy Christian syntax?

Why are we so sleepy in church but Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?

Because getting up on Sunday morning is … Jesus, do I have to explain this? And again with the random capitals!

hy is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail, but yet we forward all of the nasty ones?

Is that rhetorical? What would you do if some atheist sent a big red spam about evolution to you?

Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the very best one….
There are no costs, but wonderful rewards… GOD BLESS!

Costs include chafed knees and wasted time, rewards include … thinking you’ve helped without actually expending any fucking effort?

Notes:

 Oh, sweet frolicking Christ, he has notes.

Isn’t it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world’s going to hell.

I find it funnier how people like you thank God for all the amazingly good shit but blame rejection of God for all the shitty shit instead of blaming God himself, as if to say God’s punishing us for not finding conflicting, brutal stories of his awesomeness & love convincing. Then again, that’s not actually funny. It’s really quite vindicitve, especially considering that if he’s there he presumably has the power to give everyone the same version of the story. Hello, three Abrahamic faiths at each other’s throats? Hello, thirty fucking thousand denominations of Christianity?

Isn’t it funny how someone can say “I believe in God” but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also “believes” in God).

First: to believe in Satan – God’s adversary – it is necessary to believe in God. You can’t have the Joker without Batman and it would be ridiculous to suggest the reverse. Do you even read shit before you send it?

Second: it would be equally odd if Satan himself didn’t believe in God, considering that in your universe, God created the little red motherfucker. What’s your point?

Isn’t it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t send ‘thousands’ of email jokes because I know fucking annoying it is to receive them. Oh, and people think twice about sharing Jeebusmails because, well, most intelligent religious people understand that not everyone loves Jeebus like they do and realise that Godspam is as fucking annoying as lists of why women are better than men at having vaginas.

Isn’t it funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you’re not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.

SEE PREVIOUS POINT. Again, most intelligent people are respectful of the fact that not everyone in their address book is a fucking clone.

Isn’t it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

Obvious point is obvious: questions of God’s existence aside, other people definitely do exist and are able to tell you when you’re being a spam-loving cockwit or simply throw bricks at you, so you should care what they think.

I pray, for everyone who sends this to their entire address book, they will be blessed by God in a way special for them.

If I sent this to everyone in my address book, I would pray that I didn’t get punched in the back of the fucking head the next time I saw any of those people in the flesh.

And send it back to the person who sent it, to let them know that indeed it was sent out to many more.

If you only know what I would like to send you. Considering I know where you live, the possibilities for mischief are endless. How about spam from my employer about everything, ever? However, I reckon getting you on the Mormon/Jehovo hitlist would be considerably more ghastly than signing you up for a bunch of sub/dom/hairy man pr0n. Upon further reflection, I might do both.

I mean, if you’re too stupid to check who you’re sending your spam to, perhaps you deserve some instant karma. I’m not sure if I’m going to do any of this yet … Golden Rule and all that. Then again, the sender of this barely coherent tripe didn’t think about “do unto others” before clicking “send to everyone that’s ever sent me an email”. But then, perhaps he likes receiving spam and expects to receive some in return, in which case I’ll be doing my duty and fulfilling the requirements of the Golden Rule by ensuring that he does indeed have done unto him what he hath done unto others (i.e. me). According to some theological viewpoints I would be fulfilling the Lord’s wishes, doing God’s work – being an agent of Light! In fact, by making sure this guy gets a megaton of mail, I would practically be an angel.

How’s that for justifying evil with faith? I could so totally be a theologian.
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[edit: reduced the font size of the red bit. Seems either Blogger or whatever powers the Planet Atheism aggregator forgot to include the jump break that I goddam well included in order to PREVENT the entire fracking post appearing on PA, which it did, where it took up half the fracking page, which was shithouse]var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker(“UA-5094406-1”); pageTracker._initData(); pageTracker._trackPageview();

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