Cracked: 7 Pop Culture Phenoms That Annoy Jesus

And rightly so! There’s nothing more downright E W I L than Spongebob telling kids they should be accepting of each other. Why, to some well-meaning but completely misguided Christian activists, that’s practically a license to sodomise (and then presumably eat) babies in public whilst wearing a Satan costume and listening to Slayer! Observe:

Both Focus on the Family and the American Family Association complained about a Spongebob video that was delivered to schools in which Spongebob has the balls to try to teach children to be accepting of others. Now you know Jesus isn’t going to stand for that shit.

Even though the video never actually mentions homosexuality, on the website for the video’s producers they include a pledge of tolerance for all races, cultures, beliefs and, yes, sexual orientations. Just like Hitler. Or the opposite of Hitler. Whatever, fuck that cartoon sponge!

Of course not all Christians are that retarded – just (generally) the ones with “Family” in their titles. I’ve noticed (and it’s not just an American phenomenon either, it happens Down Here too) that the presence of the word “Family” in the name of a Christian lobby/political action/groundless & retarded-whinge-against-the-inevitable-progression-of-social-equality group is really just code for “We Hate The Gays”. So much so that it maligns any other government/non-government/secular/religious “Family” group that is actually about helping actual families regardless of how many dads or mums are present. I really wouldn’t be surprised if any actual, non-retarded pro-family groups have changed their names just to distance themselves from their similarly-yet-inappropriately-named fundamentalist namesakes.

It really makes me wonder what’s worse for kids: seeing lil’ Spongey & pals promote acceptance of people who may be different (y’know, like friggin’ JESUS apparently did before he was brutally un-accepted by the Romans and those nasty ol’ Pharisees) or having some thundering, fundamentalist, fire n’ brimstone gay-haters attempt to twist that very decent, simple message around into something evil & corrupting, no doubt confusing the hell out of anyone too young to realise exactly how stupid and insane these alleged “family friendly” spokespeople are.

Heads up, Family Fundies: if you’re really focused on helping the “family”, the first thing that should become abundantly clear in your little scope is that there is more than one kind of family. Not all kids are raised by a man & a lady who love each other very much and have only ever had sex with each other exactly as many times as there are children in the house. Some kids only have one biological parent, some have none, some have two parents of the same gender, some only have grandparents, extended family members, yada freaking yada, I could go on but I fear I might blow your tiny minds with my dazzling expose!

The bottom line is this, my Christian friends: families aren’t what they were in what I presume is your heyday – some bizarre Rockwellian 1959 where kids dragged puppies around in lil’ red wagons, wore short pants until they were twelve and said things like “golly” and “smash the Reds!” With more information being launched straight at kids these days than ever before, what they need is clarity & reasonable filtering from those who know how to sift through the spam & the bullshit: us. The grownups. What kids need, today more than ever, are positive messages from us about humanity and how, most of the time, we can get along with our fellow humans. What kids simply do not need is this confusing, wasteful, hurtful worldview of yours that takes an ordinary message of acceptance from a character kids love and twists it around into some kind of subliminal ploy to turn all our kids into occultist sodomites. Do you seriously think a guy called Spongebob Squarepants is some kind of secret icon of the “Gay Agenda” (whatever the hell that is) out to “convert” children and give them The Gay? What the hell have Spongey & his starfish buddy ever done that Bert & Ernie haven’t been doing since the 1970s?

The kids may be the young ones here, but it’s your mis-named Family groups that have to grow up.

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