Prayer – now with Hurricane-Stopping Power!

…or so a pack of loons in (where else but) Texas (actually, you’d probably also find them in Kentucky, Alabama or anywhere where they speak with a twang, and I’m sure you could find them in Queensland as well) would have us (and themselves) believe.

Via Kelly at the Rational Responders, the official text for their powerful Hurricane Ike-stopping prayer which can be found here. Apart from the usual blathering idiocy & sucking up, it contains this hysterical little gem:

Father, please forgive us for our many sins. Please forgive disobedience, rebellion, unbelief, forms of idolatry, shedding of innocent blood, and the rejection of Your Son, Jesus Christ. God have mercy on the Houston Metropolitan Area.

“O Vengeful One, please spare us, your unworthy & sin-filled slaves, from your Divine & Just Wrath! Please smite some other unworthy people from another local government region in Thy Mercy!”

Utterly laughable. On the one hand, it seems like you lackwits know that you deserve to be punished with a hurricane, Gomorrah-style, for all your wickedness. But on the other hand, you have the gall to think you can appease the Almighty and avoid his wrath with some sucking up! Surely it’s God’s Plan, right? Surely no human has the right to question God’s Plan for the world … right? And here you are, not asking for the hurricane to be stopped and for it to blow itself out, sparing everyone, just for it to be diverted. And how are you going to feel if it misses you and kills even more people down the highway a few miles? Probably pretty bloody pleased with yourselves, I’ll bet. Smug bastards.

From Kelly’s post:

Their church recently held a prayer meeting in order to officially command Ike to cease and desist its approach into the Houston area. Some participants claimed to have calmed Edouard and sent hurricane Gustav into southern Louisiana. No explanation was given for the Almighty’s lack of regard for the residents in that area.

See, that’s the thing. Hurricanes don’t just STOP and cease & desist. Of course, God could choose to just stop them in their tracks and calm the winds instantly – after all, he sent them in the first place … right? So why won’t he just switch ’em off? Whatever the reason, he chooses not to (God’s Plan) and (it would seem, if these loons are right) he just diverts them around whoever prays the hardest, or sucks up the most, or whatever. God help whoever is in the new path of the hurricane, especially if they didn’t pray hard enough.

But what happened to “love thy neighbour”, you twisted Christfreaks? If that hurricane goes around you it’s going to hit someone else! And what happens when it does? Are you going to head down to the affected area, apologise for sending God’s hurricane down their main street and take blankets and food and first aid kits and assist with the cleanup or even just donate to the Red Cross? Well? It’s the least you could do after sending Divine Wrath into their town! Or are you going to sit smugly in your living room, watching it all unfold on TV, safe in the knowledge that your magic spells saved your postcode or head to your church and loudly proclaim how blessed you are that God listened to you and decided to fuck up a bunch of other people? Hey, I guess you could always pray for them.

This leads me to a train of thought: if God is punishing you people with a hugely destructive and potentially fatal hurricane but he can be persuaded not to with a bit of “O God you’re so awesome”, he’s either very easily talked out of his Divine Plan with some simple flattery or your crimes weren’t all that heinous to begin with – which, to be frank, paints this god of yours as one petty son of a bitch. You want to worship a god who can be talked out of punishing you via hurricane with some simple sycophancy? Loan sharks have stronger principles than that for god’s sake.

Texas (and other) Christians, I’m not going to sit here and spout what you might call the usual atheist talking points about how your god is a confused, nasty, contradictory mishmash of “extinct” tribal gods and almost certainly doesn’t & can’t exist. No, what I need is to hear your take on your god’s morality. I need a Christian to explain to me, in simple terms – and without pasting any excerpts from scripture – just how moral it is to first send a hurricane as punishment (which would almost certainly “punish” many, many undeserving people, being that hurricanes are huge, indiscriminate forces of pure destruction), then allow some of those people to change his mind and divert the hurricane away from their town to another area, where it would no doubt do as much damage to a bunch of other, more than likely equally undeserving people. But why divert it? Why let it continue on its path of destruction at all? Why not stop it dead or send the damn thing back out to sea to blow itself out, harming noone at all? If this anti-hurricane prayer is working, why is this omniscient god – whom all Christians seem to believe has a Plan – allowing himself to be talked into changing his Plan at the pleading of a few hundred sinful humans? Who the hell are you people to dare to ask God to change a Plan that he’s probably had in place for (depending on who you talk to) the last ten thousand or four billion years? You people are meant to have faith in God’s Will. You’re meant to trust God. Who are you to think you know better than God? Why should he listen to you? What kind of conceited, self-centred egotist are you to think that YOU talked GOD out of sending you a hurricane? If God wants to kill you with the weather so you can join him in Heaven, you should damn well go gladly and not hit your knees in desperate supplication, begging him to spare you. I thought this life didn’t matter when you had eternity with the Almighty to look forward to! Seriously, I want to hear how this god of yours is so easily dissuaded from his Plan by a bunch of mere humans.

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3 thoughts on “Prayer – now with Hurricane-Stopping Power!

  1. If anybody out there is still reading this page about prayer, then I need your help, please pray that my sexual thoughts are only about sexual intercourse and not the nasty urophilia fetish I have. I work at a Starbucks here in Seattle and I get turned on by tricking people in to drinking urine disguised as coffee and other beverages, not just urinating in it, but actually making the liquid base of the beverage out of my pee. I drink an entire pot of coffee before work and then wait until my bladder is full of urine flavored like the coffee I just drank, then I alternate between different flavored coffee brewing pots from time to time, but I pizzle the whole pot full and then instead of filling the coffee maker water reservoir full of water I’ll just fill the whole thing with pee I pizzled into it instead, then I add coffee grounds and brew pee based coffee and serve cups of it to the customers to drink. When I watch the costomers, especially young women drink it then I get turned on to the point of ejaculation, that’s where my sexual life comes from. Please pray for my sexual thoughts to become only normal ones from now on.

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